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LOVE SAFETY
NET
Transcript
of April 19, 2010, program
“The Power of Love -- Part 2 ”
KIM: Hi, I’m Kim.
STEVE: And hi, I’m Steve.
And welcome to the Love Safety Net. Today’s show is titled “The
Power of Love—Part 2”. In Part 1, we talked about holding your
power and what power in relation to your love really is. But
today we are going to talk a little bit more about challenges,
Kim.
KIM: Mmm. Because
challenges can be challenging, it seems?! (laughing) I know a
lot of our listeners who are working through the Love Safety
Net Workbook have given us that feedback—that challenges
seem to be the area people are finding most challenging.
STEVE: Yes, that’s right.
KIM: It’s a small shift
that can make all the difference in the world, between what is
complaining and criticizing to what is actually challenging a
person—but it’s a shift that makes all the difference in the
world.
STEVE: So there is a very
small margin for error here. You could be issuing a challenge
to your partner—a positive challenge—
KIM: Well, I think if you
don’t have it clear in your mind yet, you can easily let this
turn into complaining and criticizing, which is not going to
help at all. It is only going to make the situation worse. It
is only going to lessen your attachment to your partner. But
that is what I hope we can clear up today, Steve. I hope that
after today’s show people can get it very, very clear that
challenging somebody is, in fact, really quite different.
STEVE: Well, let’s hope
we can do that. Because it is really important. It’s important
to get it right and the language is really, really important.
KIM: So, the difference
between this is—or what I should say, Steve—is the power of this
is really quite phenomenal when you get it right, isn’t it? I
mean, you have to actually be careful with it.
STEVE: Oh yeah. Okay. So,
we have talked a little bit about challenges in the last show,
so should we talk about an example of a challenge first, so we
can reframe it as well?
KIM: Okay. Well, I will
give an example of where I have not been aware enough of how
powerful this could be, perhaps.
STEVE: Yeah, okay. That’s
a good idea.
KIM: You know, this is
actually what I am trying to get across—that this is so powerful
you really have to be careful with it. Because I remember I
have done this more than once, but a few times I have set a
challenge for you that is too big—that I hadn’t really thought
about it, and I’ve been a little bit offhand about it. I think
there was a couple months back I set you a challenge in the
accounting department to get everything paid ahead a couple
weeks from where we were and set targets for that. And I forgot
I had even said that.
STEVE: (laughing) I
didn’t forget.
KIM: (laughing) No.
Then for the next week I was trying to figure out what was wrong
with you. You were being just grumpy and miserable….
STEVE: So, I remember that
challenge. Because you said, okay, we are running our accounts
too far in advance. We need to pull them back a bit.
KIM: We need to make more
of a buffer.
STEVE: We need more of a
buffer so we are not stretching all of our bills out to the
maximum amount of days left to pay them. We want to pay them as
soon as they come in so we have a bit of a buffer—that was the
challenge you set for me, wasn’t it?
KIM: Yeah, that’s right.
STEVE: And, and you said
that offhandedly, you are admitting now?
KIM: Yeah.
STEVE: Can I get that in
writing?
KIM: (laughing)
STEVE: Because it was the
toughest nut you threw me. And I’m going—okay, how are we going
to do this? I remember thinking this was a good idea.
KIM: Yep.
STEVE: I remember taking
you seriously when you said it—
KIM: Yep.
STEVE: --And how it was
going to solve a lot of problems.
KIM: Mmm.
STEVE: But that challenge
was just too much for me. Because I had no idea how to do it.
Because I thought, well maybe I can go and rob a bank or
something (laughing) to pay all our accounts two months in
advance.
KIM: (laughing) Well, I
forgot all about it. And I was trying to figure out what on
earth was wrong with you. I thought the old, bad Steve from the
bad old days was coming back.
STEVE: Well, he probably
did a couple times, didn’t he? I’m sure.
KIM: Well, I think it’s an
interesting thing to look at. Because, by actually setting
somebody a challenge that is beyond them, I think is actually a
really good way of creating narcisstic behavior in someone.
(laughing)
STEVE: Sure (laughing).
KIM: (laughing) It’s
actually what causes it.
STEVE: Oh, how
embarrassing.
KIM: We get into that a
lot, about unrealistic expectations being a really formative
part of somebody getting stuck in that narcisstic behavior.
STEVE: Sure.
KIM: But I mean, it is
really powerful. You need to be really, really careful with
this. Because when you get it right, it’s going to be
completely different than nagging and complaining—where you are
saying the same thing over, and over and over again. And
harping on it.
STEVE: Yeah.
KIM: But we will get a bit
more into that in a minute.
I heard a really great thing
said once—and again I can’t remember where I read this or heard
it—and that was that what really makes humans happy is not the
things we think make us happy.
STEVE: Money and fast
cars?
KIM: (laughing) Yeah.
All those things we imagine, and I guess they have done a fairly
good job of disproving what makes us happy, because people who
win the lottery, you know, a year later they end up with all the
same problems but they are just even worse.
STEVE: Yeah. All the same
problems in a mansion.
KIM: Yeah. (laughing)
They just live in a different part of town. And actually, it
will sort of make their problems worse. Because if you’ve got
an unhealthy, ineffective, or dysfunctional system set up,
pouring more money into the mix is only going to speed up how
fast that system takes everybody down.
STEVE: Yeah, amplify
everything. Absolutely.
KIM: Yeah. But what they
actually put forward as being the real secret to happiness I
thought was very interesting. And that was actually having a
challenge for ourselves every day that stretched us to our
potential, but a challenge we were actually capable of
achieving.
STEVE: Okay.
KIM: So, again, that really
gets to the power of what we are talking about here. Because we
can set those kinds of challenges for ourselves to improve our
happiness, but we can also—
STEVE: Do it with other
people within the family as well. And be aware of how powerful
it is. So just going back to this challenge you had set me,
Kim. You had thrown me this challenge to get our accounts paid
up to date quicker and to increase the buffer that we had paying
our accounts—accounts payable.
KIM: Mmm-hmm.
STEVE: And it was as if I
was going to be responsible for making that happen. And it was
like you threw this really tough nut for me, and I really wanted
to crack it.
KIM: Yep.
STEVE: So it was effective
in the sense that I wanted to be able to crack it and I would
have more than anything. And all the visualization in the world
wasn’t really helping anything. You know, like “I’m going to
show this to Kim soon and I’m going to say look, Kim, we’ve got
everything paid up. We can take a holiday and not worry about
the bills for a month.” Really, all the visualization I was
doing to have that happen wasn’t helping me…because I couldn’t
actually do it.
KIM: Mmm.
STEVE: And I literally—you
know, we had a couple of ideas. We could cut back here a bit,
and just reel in a bit of spending here. And I said okay, we
won’t do that. We will do this instead. And it wasn’t enough.
And I couldn’t do it. I just could not crack that nut.
KIM: Yeah. And I’m so
sorry, Steve, because it’s like, now I’m even seeing—wow, this
really got to you.
STEVE: (laughing)
KIM: (smiling) And I’m
really sorry about that, because I didn’t think about it enough
what I was asking. It is—if we set people challenges they are
not actually able to achieve, it really can create a lot of
inner turmoil and some bad behavior.
STEVE: Sure, I think—and I
didn’t want to give up on it. And I was torn between wanting to
give up and just say, “Listen, Kim—what are you thinking?”
KIM: (laughing)
STEVE: I can’t do this!
(laughing)
KIM: And I had no idea.
I had forgotten all about it. I just couldn’t figure out what
on earth was wrong with you.
STEVE: Sure. But I really
wanted to do it as well. I’m trying to illustrate the power
here, because I was completely, 100%, took the bait—hook, line,
and sinker. Okay, I’ll do this. It’s going to be hard, but I’m
going to give it a go.
KIM: Yeah.
STEVE: And it was very
challenging in that respect, and I did give it a go. But then I
think a lot of really horrible, negative thinking started
kicking in for me after I realized it was going to be really
hard.
KIM: Mmm.
STEVE: And then I
think—to be honest—I was having sort of…you know, you can have
small, negative thoughts that slowly get bigger and bigger. You
know, like an offhanded thought like “okay, what is Kim really
expecting of me here? She’s not based in reality”.
KIM: (laughing)
STEVE: “You know, she
issued this challenge and she really means it.” Because you are
very convincing when you want to be, Kim. And then a lot of
negative stuff started happening. That’s when probably my poor
behavior you were starting to see came through. And I’m
thinking, “Hey, I’m just doing a good job here.”
KIM: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
STEVE: I’m just trying to
figure out what’s going on. Don’t give me a hard time. I’m
just trying to fix that challenge you set me.
KIM: (laughing) Yeah.
STEVE: But then I felt a
bit alone as well.
KIM: So this brought up a
lot of anger—well, not a lot. But it started bringing up anger.
STEVE: Yeah, negativity and
then it was anger and resentment toward you.
KIM: Yeah.
STEVE: And I think once
that starts, too, then I didn’t know how to approach you very
well. And I’m not just saying this because I feel like talking
about my story. I’m trying to explain that this may be
happening to a lot of people out there. You get to a point
where you don’t know how to bring something up. Once you’ve got
a bit of anger based around something that is going on for you,
it can be really difficult to bring up in a “not angry” way.
KIM: Yep.
STEVE: It’s kind of like
there is an angry flavoring in your words, you know. You are
not saying anything angry, but there is this angry tone in them
because you are feeling angry and that will come through in your
voice, in your actions, and in your decisions.
KIM: Yeah. And if you are
someone who tends toward narcissistic
behavior, the passive aggression starts, and the blame, and all
that stuff starts. So yeah, this is a really great
demonstration of how setting the right challenges and being
really thoughtful and wise and compassionate about it can make
all the difference in the world toward whether your partner or
your kids, or whoever you are setting these challenges to—the
people working for you—love you or whether they hate you.
STEVE: Yeah. (laughing)
That’s right.
KIM: That’s how important
it is.
STEVE: Sure. What kind of
recoil.
KIM: Because if you get it
right—if you get the challenges right—this is going to make you
incredibly attractive and make you somebody people want to get
close to.
STEVE: Sure.
KIM: And I think, you know,
I am saying that all the time and I’m writing that all the time
and I don’t think I have ever properly explained that before,
Steve. And I think that might help. This is really true when I
say that. You know, people run around, women in particular,
doing all this stuff to make themselves attractive. They are
losing weight, they are getting spray tans, they are putting all
sorts of makeup on and all that stuff. And I’m not against any
of that stuff. You know, it’s fun dressing up and being
pretty.
STEVE: Sure.
KIM: But when it really
comes down to it, it’s not really the meat and gravy of what
makes you attractive.
STEVE: That’s right.
KIM: So I will share with
you the picture I’ve got in my head.
STEVE: Please.
KIM: Okay, so imagine you
are back in high school. And maybe there was a girl in your
high school who was like this and maybe there wasn’t. We are
just going to imagine her as a fictitious character.
STEVE: Okay, sure.
KIM: But there is a girl
at school. She is not necessarily the prettiest girl. But she
really knows how to challenge the guys. And she really knows
how to have a bit of fun about it. You know, she knows how to
say to the guys, “hey, I bet you can’t climb that tree over
there”. Or “I bet you can’t throw the ball so it reaches that—“
STEVE: Yeah, “throw it over
this building here”.
KIM: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or whatever. And she knows how to sort of throw out these
challenges also in a way where she just throws it down.
STEVE: Sure.
KIM: She just throws it
down. She doesn’t harp on it.
STEVE: Like an old lady
dropping a hanky maybe.
KIM: Yeah. Do you think
she is going to be popular in this high school in your
imagination—with the boys?
STEVE: Yeah. In my
imagination, I can see all the boys queuing up to want to climb
that tree and throw the ball over, you know?
KIM: That’s “lining up” for
our American audience.
STEVE: Lining up.
KIM: They don’t queue up in
the US, they line up.
STEVE: Okay. My
apologies. The guys would be lining up for that. You can say
that again. Yeah, absolutely. Because, in talking from a guy’s
perspective now, guys absolutely love to get stretched to
our capacity. Those of us who are sport orientated like I am,
we are always trying to go for the P.B.—the personal best.
KIM: Yep.
STEVE: We are always trying
to do a little bit better. We always have a better game
happening in the future. We are always trying to get a little
bit better. So those kinds of challenges issued from whoever
it’s coming from—whether it’s your coach, your parents, your
girlfriend, or a pretty girl at school—wherever it’s coming
from—is always going to be powerful. And yes, people—from my
perspective and from a man’s perspective—guys are going to
really enjoy that and are going to want to be around this person
more.
KIM: And if someone is
really good at setting those challenges “just right”, that it
stretches you to your full potential but that you can
actually achieve it.
STEVE: Yeah—it is within
reach.
KIM: That it is within
reach—that becomes somebody you really want to spend time with.
That becomes somebody you just to okay, yeah, I have a lot of
energy for that person.
STEVE: I 100% agree. And I
think it’s because, maybe, that once we do start maturing and
becoming a better person and improving our skills, they are
really memorable moments in our life. And that is part of the
elation of being a human being is when you can go that extra
step and improve yourself.
KIM: Yep.
STEVE: And that’s part of
maturing. You can learn from that. That’s a massive learning
experience. So you get these positive memories and positive
attachments with the person that is around you issuing those
challenges and helping you mature. Because that’s something we
all want to continue to do.
KIM: Yep.
STEVE: Especially when we are
in appreciation and we know we could perhaps use that
challenge.
KIM: Mmm.
STEVE: You know, when we are
not in denial and just trying to be a power trip over everybody
else.
KIM: And I think women
really enjoy challenges too. I don’t think we are too different
in that regard. But I do think that testosterone has to come to
play in here somewhere.
STEVE: Undoubtedly.
KIM: I mean, my old
favorite used to be—and I’m showing my age here—but back when
you could actually get into a car if you had locked your keys in
it.
STEVE: Yeah, back in the days
before keyless entry.
KIM: You know, with a coat
hanger or a bit of packing tape. You remember those days?
STEVE: I do…absolutely.
KIM: And that was just a
bit of a running joke with me. I would say about guys that’s
what testosterone was good for…you know, if you locked your keys
in the car all you needed was a coat hanger or a bit of packing
tape and then just wait for a guy to come along. You know? And
you also need a book to read because you might be sitting there
for the next two days.
STEVE: (laughing)
KIM: But there would be no
way on earth he would give up trying to get those keys out of
that car.
STEVE: No chance.
KIM: I mean, I
remember—because I did this a few times, I’m guilty of it. I
mean, they would miss their wedding!
STEVE: Yeah, to unlock that
car.
KIM: (laughing) To unlock
the car.
STEVE: We’re very simple
creatures when you tell stories like that, Kim—us males. But
for sure testosterone is a very big part of the equation and
part of the formula here.
KIM: Well, if women understand
you better, hopefully, we can love you better too.
STEVE: True. But that
challenge is very real. You know getting into a car takes a bit
of testosterone. Back in the days when you could force the
window down just a crack and you could put the coat hanger in.
KIM: You’re getting really
wound up from this, Steve.
STEVE: Yeah, I want to try
and do it.
KIM: (laughing).
STEVE: Let’s break into some
cars after this show.
KIM: I can see you really
like this subject. So, you know, back to some of the ideas from
the last show, Steve, about the power of love. In exactly the
same way as what we were talking about last week, when we were
talking about being able to express clearly what you want, with
that being really attractive in giving you power and influence.
STEVE: Yep.
KIM: But, if you take it too
far and as soon as you add any kind of threat and any kind of
ultimatum to that, you actually weaken your position.
STEVE: Sure.
KIM: This is exactly the
same—that less is more.
STEVE: Okay, yeah.
KIM: Because if you are
issuing a challenge to someone—be it a woman or a man, I
think—we will get away because this isn’t only affecting men, as
humorous as it is to talk about. I guess the story I said at
the beginning highlights this. I had issued a challenge to you
with the accounts department, and I had forgotten that I even
said it. And that actually made it more powerful. You know, if
I was harping on you about it every day, or if I was nagging you
about it, suddenly it’s not a challenge anymore.
STEVE: That’s right.
KIM: A challenge is
something that really has to be just thrown on the table, and
then you walk away from it. And the more you can actually
forget it and just not refer to it again, often I think the more
powerful it actually is.
STEVE: I would agree.
Because you are explaining there that the harping on it would
bring it out of the challenge and into just the daily grind into
something he or she is just complaining about it.
KIM: She just wants me to
do this, or he just wants—yeah whatever. It’s not a challenge
anymore. It’s harder to internalize if anybody else is going on
about it.
STEVE: So it could be
described more as an expectation rather than a challenge.
KIM: Yeah, that’s what it
becomes.
STEVE: So that’s an important
distinction, isn’t it?
KIM: Yep.
STEVE: Because if you turn
it into an expectation….
KIM: Suddenly you don’t have
the opportunity to impress the person—or surprise the person.
STEVE: That’s right.
KIM: Because they are just
standing there demanding and expecting it of you.
STEVE: Yeah.
KIM: So it’s easier for you
to just become resentful.
STEVE: Absolutely.
KIM: And to go, “yeah, well
so what”. It’s more like you are going to be upset with
them if they don’t do it, rather than you are going to be
impressed if they do.
STEVE: That’s so true. And
it’s so subtle, Kim, it’s really amazing that you brought that
up. Because it’s relating to the attraction you are building.
So once you have given your power away in that example of
turning a challenge into an expectation with your partner, you
are not creating attraction any longer, and you have given your
power away.
KIM: Mmm. It’s not fun any
longer. It’s not.
STEVE: Sure.
KIM: It loses all of its
magic. And that really, I guess, leads very nicely into the
next really important part of understanding how challenging
someone really works. And that some—oh…I’ve lost my train of
thought here, Steve, help me. So we’re saying that we don’t
want to harp on it. So we don’t want to go on and on about it—I
know what it was about, Steve. You have to also make it be
about something that they really know is going to better them.
STEVE: Okay.
KIM: Like when you were
talking about P.B. with men—about personal best. If your
challenges are all just stuff that you want—
STEVE: Yeah (laughing).
KIM: It isn’t going to
work. And it’s not going to build trust.
STEVE: No.
KIM: And your partner is
going to see through that at lightning speed.
STEVE: Sure, because that’s
manipulation, isn’t it?
KIM: Yeah.
STEVE: If you are
challenging your partner to do stuff that you want done.
KIM: Sure. Like with the
accounts department story—we keep going back to that—but you
knew that challenge I was issuing you was actually going to take
stress off you.
STEVE: Oh, absolutely.
KIM: That it was something
I issued a challenge that really wasn’t about me—because I am
not accounts department and I am not one with the stress of
having to come up with the money to pay the bills. That’s not
my worry; that’s your worry. So yeah, sure, I might be getting
a secondary benefit if you are de-stressed in that way because
you are nicer to be around. But really you could see straight
away that the challenge that I was setting was in your own best
interest. It was something that was going to benefit you.
STEVE: Oh, completely.
KIM: You know, if I had come
in and I had said, “I challenge you to come up with enough extra
profits each week so I can go and get my hair done and do some
shopping”, I don’t think you would have seen that as a
challenge….
STEVE: No, well, just watch
how fast I go.
KIM: (laughing).
STEVE: (laughing) That’s a
really important point, Kim.
KIM: Even though you might
enjoy having my hair done, and that gave you some benefits—it’s
not the same thing. And that’s exactly why the Gap Finder work
is really so important. And it’s really important that
you either get your partner to do it honestly, or you can
really put yourself in your partner’s shoes when you do this
work.
STEVE: Let’s just remind
anyone who hasn’t heard our previous shows, Kim, that the Gap
Finder is an exercise in our eBook the Love Safety Net
Workbook.
KIM: That’s right.
STEVE: So the Gap Finder is
something that if you haven’t already had a look at our
workbook, we highly recommend you do.
KIM: Mmm-hmm.
STEVE: Because at the Love
Safety Net we are trying to come up with the best possible tools
for you. And the Gap Finder is about filling in those
gaps. And I think, Kim, just on that topic, you issuing that
challenge to me about getting the books up a bit was something
that was a gap I needed filling as well.
KIM: Yep.
STEVE: I have always been
spend today and we will make it back tomorrow kind of person. I
have always been like that. I have never been frugal and paced
myself with my spending—that is a weakness I have. And that is
reflected—in when we had this discussion and when you issued
that challenge—that was reflected in how our books were at the
time.
KIM: Mmm.
STEVE: You know, I don’t pay
anything right until the last minute, and that created a bit of
a distortion in how we were traveling and didn’t leave anything
up our sleeves for the emergency have to find $3000 quickly sort
of thing.
KIM: Yeah, yeah.
STEVE: So it was a good
challenge. And it was thoughtful of me. And it was about
de-stressing me.
KIM: Exactly. And so in this
way the right challenges can also (and maybe this is why they
make you attractive) because it really can show your partner you
love them, and you care about them and you are seeing things
from their perspective. And you want to build them up. And you
are on their side.
STEVE: That’s really
powerful.
KIM: It really is
powerful. This is really powerful stuff we are dealing with.
So that’s why I am saying you really do have to take your time.
Make sure you’ve got this from your partner’s perspective, not
from your own perspective. Make sure your partner is able to do
it. Don’t make the mistake I did in that challenge with you,
where I gave you something you just couldn’t do. And that
wasn’t fair. Because that is something that is going to create
anger. But a challenge is something that is going to stretch
them and they are going to get some real benefit out of it if
they achieve it—not just praise from you—but it is something
that is going to majorly benefit their life.
STEVE: Absolutely.
KIM: And I think worth
mentioning on that subject, Steve—because this just comes up so
much—is I don’t want to give a personal opinion here on
antidepressants, but the one thing I do really feel strongly
about is the fact that a lot of doctors out there do not warn
their patients that when they go on these things they are going
to completely lose their sex drive.
STEVE: Mmm.
KIM: And maybe even their
ability to climax.
STEVE: That’s in the fine
print, maybe. Or maybe not in the fine print.
KIM: Yeah. And I have
really strong emotions about that, so I will stay calm here.
STEVE: Keep a lid on it.
You’ll be okay.
KIM: (laughing) But that,
you know, to me is so wrong that people are not warned about
that.
STEVE: Sure.
KIM: And their partner
doesn’t perhaps know what is going on. And I tie this into the
challenging section because this is an area where, you know,
maybe we can highlight getting the challenge right. You know,
if your partner’s interest in sex has completely died off and
your sex life has disappeared, and they are on an
antidepressant, it could be easy to think well, okay, I need to
challenge them. Their inadequacy or the gap here is that they
are not interested in sex anymore, there is some kind of
incompetence that needs to be dealt with.
STEVE: Sure.
KIM: But by pressuring your
partner that you want sex when maybe there is a more underlying
reason for it. It isn’t going to build trust and it isn’t going
to help. It is just going to make them feel even more
inadequate than they feel already and more like something is
wrong with me. Where, if you can say maybe in this situation
the challenge will be to come up with more natural and healthy
methods to deal with their depression.
STEVE: Yeah, okay.
KIM: Like getting sunshine
every day. Or more exercise. Or getting better fats in the
diet, increasing omega-3 fish oil.
STEVE: Yeah.
KIM: Because all these
things have been proven to be just as effective or more
effective with treating depression than antidepressants. You
know, regular exercise—absolutely. Sun every day. Getting
outside and getting sun on your skin every day. And enough
light in your face that you are not living in a dark
environment, but you are getting enough light through the
daytime. And your room is very dark at night. It’s going to
have an enormous impact on making your mood better and improving
your mood.
STEVE: I think that’s a very
generic challenge too. I mean, everybody could be given that
challenge. Get some more sunshine. Do some more exercise.
Think of ways to be less depressed about your situation.
KIM: Yeah.
STEVE: And if you can’t do
that, find someone that is going to help you break through that
brick wall, and say okay, there is ways I can reduce the amount
of drudgery in my life—or whatever it is—that is holding you
back.
KIM: Yeah. So you are not
coming in to your partner and saying, “Oh, you are on those
antidepressants and they are bad. They are making you
disinterested in sex and this is a bad thing. You should get off
those things”.
STEVE: “And if you
don’t”…..give an ultimatum.
KIM: (laughing) Yeah. That
is an example of a terrible use of power that isn’t going to
have any influence. It is only just going to make things
worse. But going to your partner and saying, “Hey, I am really
concerned about you taking these things. I don’t know if they
are really good for you. I see some other changes happening
with you that aren’t so positive. It’s hard for me to get
closer to you now and I think the tablets you are taking may
have something to do with that. But you know, let’s see if you
can wean yourself off these and find some better ways of dealing
with your moods. Because I want you to be happy, you know?
Let’s see if you can get a bit more sunshine every day.”
STEVE: That’s really good.
And that’s important for us now, Kim, moving into our winter
here.
KIM: Yep.
STEVE: Our lovely, long, hot
days are slowly slipping away from us, aren’t they? At the
moment.
KIM: Yeah. So I hope that
was a poignant example of what we are talking about—because I’ve
heard some statistics that over half the population are taking
this type of medication now. I mean, this must be having a
drastic effect on personal relationships.
STEVE: I think being able to
challenge each other is so powerful, because we are always
needing to grow. There is never a point when we can really sit
back. And that’s kind of the deception of the
working/retirement sort of plan that is sort of given to us
since the Industrial Revolution. You know, it’s not really like
we just work, work and work and get our rewards and we just sit
back and enjoy them.
KIM: Mmm.
STEVE: Really, life isn’t
much like that. Although it is good to be able to slow down in
your old age and have a goal of looking forward to your
retirement—that’s fantastic. But we always constantly need to
be growing. We constantly need to be reassessing where we are
at, how everybody in our family is feeling, whether everybody is
being challenged, and if everyone else is growing it may be
that—you know, I remember with my father in his corporate role
back in the 1980s. It was in the early days of personal
development, I guess. And he was going on these incredible
personal development weekends and weeks, where he would be doing
amazing stuff all funded by his corporation. And we were all at
home just stuck in the suburbs not doing that.
KIM: Yeah.
STEVE: And he would share a
little bit about it, but really it was all on him. It was all
about him and his role in the corporation. So that is just an
example of him—and he loved going to work. He was a very
dedicated employee of that corporation while he worked there.
KIM: Yep.
STEVE: So he was getting all
of the challenges, but we weren’t. And my mom eventually left
him and our family dissolved from it.
KIM: Yep.
STEVE: That’s probably not
all the reason, but that’s just an example of where we have to
be mindful. You might be having a great time being challenged
by your work, your outside interests. I have another friend who
was a competitive cyclist.
KIM: Mmm-hmm.
STEVE: And his family
dissolved because he was always just trying to be a better
competitive cyclist constantly. Him and his wife—fortunately
they are back together now and things are a bit better—because
he gave up cycling.
KIM: Yeah.
STEVE: Because he was
getting those challenges on his bike riding everyday, but he was
leaving his wife to look after the two young kids, who were just
sitting around waiting for him.
KIM: Yeah.
STEVE: So, you have to be
careful. You might be getting all these great challenges, but
if people in your family aren’t getting that as well—that’s a
massive imbalance.
KIM: I think that’s a
really good point you just made—you know, choosing challenges
for yourself as well that do bring you closer to your family and
closer to your loved ones. And you recognize in the end how
important that really is. Because all to many men, in
particular, really these days I think can underestimate the
value of their family to them until they lose it.
STEVE: Oh yeah.
KIM: And then they are just
devastated and they realize it was the most important thing in
their live. Not competitive cycling and not their career. And
one of the most rewarding things I saw you ever do was take on
doing a parenting course. I mean, that was really what changed
everything.
STEVE: Sure.
KIM: You know, there were
all sorts of other things that changed. And I don’t think you
ever, ever in a million years before you did that course would
have imagined that doing that course would have had such a
dramatic influence and impact on your personal happiness.
STEVE: Oh, definitely.
KIM: I mean, you just
thought it was going to be some boring thing.
STEVE: Yeah, like I suppose I
better show up. That was my attitude in the early days.
KIM: Yeah. But if you look
back on where you were before that to where you are now, I mean,
how much has changed in your personal happiness?
STEVE: So much. So much.
And I have learned skills about giving room for other people and
allowing other people to be themselves that I didn’t have before
I did that course. And those skills—and I think we talked about
that in our last audio, Kim—they are transferrable skills. They
are skills that don’t just apply to my family. They apply to
the commercial world—if I choose to go back into the commercial
world in that sense. But also skills for my personal world,
because they are skills that encourage the people around me to
enjoy where they are as much as possible. Hey, and that’s a
daily challenge within itself, isn’t it. We are having with our
kids, Kim. We are making sure everybody is getting what they
want. We are a family of five. We have a teenager and one
nearly a teenager and one just a bit younger than that again, so
we have a lot of competing interests here.
KIM: Well I was just
thinking before—when we were talking actually—about us setting a
little bit of time each week to really assess the challenges we
are setting our kids and how we are doing that would be
incredibly valuable investment of our time at the moment. You
know, it doesn’t seem like we’ve got any spare time at all.
STEVE: No (laughing).
KIM: But, I mean, how much
might things change if we look back three years from now if we
started setting an hour or an hour-and-a-half aside—say half an
hour for each child each week we just in private sit down and
say okay where are they at and where do they need to be
challenged and how are we going to do that.
STEVE: That sounds like a
fantastic idea. And I think the kids are old enough for that
now.
KIM: Oh, yeah. I think you can
do that with kids at any age.
STEVE: Sure.
KIM: So maybe we are a bit
behind, but it’s never too late to start.
STEVE: Well, let’s do it.
Okay. Kim, thanks for everything. Thanks for bringing up all
these great ideas of connection with challenges to this show.
KIM: You’re welcome. It’s
just as much you as me.
STEVE: Thanks to everyone at
Global Talk Radio to help make this show come to air every
week. We really appreciate your work. Thanks everyone for
tuning in. And stay tuned because we will be talking about
something just as interesting next week. Don’t go away, now!
KIM: Bye!
STEVE: Thanks for listening
to the Love Safety Net on Global Talk Radio.
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