“The Talk”… Spoken to your daughter about teen sex? Of Course! But what about teen dating? Healthy relationships need to start early for our kids’ future! Author, Kaycee Jane available for interviews.
Frog or Prince? is a self-respect boot camp on dating. Kaycee Jane provides information, skills and tools to help young women recognize the difference between a Frog and a Prince. This gem of a book will show you how relationships work "The Talk" Spoken to your daughter about teen sex? Check. But what about teen dating? We know about the consequences of not talking to our daughters about sex. Daytime television and tabloid papers are rife with them. But what about the consequences of not talking to them about healthy relationships? Sure, we make rules We like to think that a young woman gradually works her way from Frog to Prince, each guy hopefully a little better than the one before. In most cases, alas, she never gets to the Prince. Relationships are complicated. Often, our daughters lack the information and skills to build a healthy relationship with a boyfriend. I started to write Frog or Prince? The Smart Girl’s Guide to Boyfriends for my daughter after I saw her holding the hand of a Frog. I wanted her to understand that in a healthy relationship our important needs are met, that partners have heart-to-heart conversations, and that respect We all have needs (to accept, to forgive, to feel important , to value ourselves and another, to expect those things in return). How can your daughter tell if she’s in a healthy relationship? To repeat: by assessing whether those needs are getting met. Here’s a heart-saving shortcut to tell her: "If you and your boyfriend keep having re-run arguments about the same need Here’s another way she can tell: Can she have a heart-to-heart with her guy, even when she’s negotiating to get her needs met? In a healthy relationship, both partners listen; each will meet the other’s need to be heard and understood. They’ll challenge one another, adjust their perspective if the other raises good points. Another heart-saving shortcut: "When your guy doesn’t listen, he can’t add to his self-knowledge or his understanding of you. This means he can’t learn and grow in your relationship. And you won’t be able to work through your feelings In a healthy relationship, a guy will use respect to get his needs met. A big part of respecting others is asking for what you want, then knowing that it’s up to the other person to decide whether they want to meet your need. Here’s another heart-saving shortcut: "If your boyfriend asks you to do something, you get to decide if you want to do it. He may negotiate, but if he can’t get his way, he must respect your answer. If he uses controlling behaviour, making up rules Young women need specific skills to develop healthy relationships, says Dr. Joanne Davila in her research paper "Assessing romantic competence in adolescence: The Romantic Competence Interview." I asked Davila, who teaches Psychology at State University of New York at Stony Brook, if the abilities she assesses in determining a girl’s romantic competence are the same as the skills a girl needs to build a healthy relationship. "I hope so!" she replied. "That’s our goal in developing the construct and doing our research." Davila determines whether girls are able "to think about relationships with a consideration of mutuality, in a thoughtful, insightful way that shows learning from experience." In other words, seeing the other’s perspective, listening, taking turns talking, and adjusting one’s perspective when the other raises good points? "Exactly," she said. According to Davila, it’s about "linking the consequences of her choices to her experiences Most girls get sad if they fight with their boyfriend, says Davila, but to prevent that from turning into depression, girls need to do things to prevent themselves from getting stuck, things that will help them solve the problem and see their situation in a realistic, balanced way. If we want our daughters to have the information and skills to build healthy relationships, we must not only talk to them about healthy relationship principles but also incorporate those principles in our relationship with them. It’s teaching by example. Only in this way can our daughters avoid the too-frequent negative consequences of dating, such as emotional trauma or a loss of self-esteem. What happens when girls lack romantic competence? "When young women have troubles in their relationships," says Davila, "they’re at greater risk for feeling anxious, depressed and developing concerns about their body image, as well as for repeating in later relationships the negative interaction patterns they’ve learned. Being involved in romantic relationships in adolescence is not a bad thing. The message is not to keep our adolescents from having these experiences. The message is to help our daughters be competent in relationships." Does your daughter know the difference between healthy and unhealthy behaviors If you answered "no" to any of those questions, your daughter needs to learn more about what makes for a healthy relationship. When girls know better, they do better Kaycee Jane blogs at -30- Kaycee Jane is available for interviews, please contact Kimberly Plumley at Publicity Mavens at 250-390-9285 or via email at [email protected]
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Time December 6, 2009 at 10:36 pm
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